OK, so here we go with a Tartan Day post. I couldn't dream up an ode to Stornoway, so I had to go with the other thing that I know a wee something (i.e. not much, but more than nothing) about, and that is liquor. If you're under the age of 21, stop reading this. I don't drink beer. Period. It looks and smells like that which is in the toilet, and that's not my thing. I'm not much on wine, either; pretentious whining about merlot or pinot thisorthat doesn't interest me. Besides, it's expensive. So, where does that leave me when it's time for libations? That's right, kids! The hard stuff!

I'm not one of the continental European types, so absinthe---sorry, Ith---isn't my style. Vodka, although a great thing, is too bloody acidic and I think it has a special fixation on my liver. Besides, I don't know enough Russian to break into appropriate song if I've had too much. This leaves me, more or less, with the dark liquors. Being a Virginian dei gratia, deo gratia, that means I favor Scotch and bourbon. The less said about my interest in bourbon, the better.

As for my favorite Scotch, let me invoke perhaps the only part of my heritage that is perhaps Scottish in nature, and that would be tight-fisted penuriousness: I can't afford to drink Scotch. At least, the good stuff. With that in mind, I offer the following guide to dark liquors:

-If you hate your intestines and want them to go away, you drink George Dickel. Or Drano; there doesn't seem to be much difference.

-If you hate your voice and want the world to spin, you drink Jack Daniels.

-If you wish to sip the nectar of the gods and truly experience heaven in a bottle, you drink Jim Beam.

-If you have more money than good sense and want to spend it, Johnnie Walker is for you. I know a bar where it's between $8.00 and $10.00 a glass, depending upon label. If you want to mess with someone, give them Johnnie Walker Red. By itself, it's foul stuff, the kind of thing you serve idiot fraternity pledges who think they're cool based upon their Greek letter. "Here, have this!"

I didn't know Johnnie Walker Red was for mixing when I first tried it. That was a mistake. Many on one side of the aisle scream about intelligence failures and the like over the Iraqi NBC weapons program. Listen, I am here to tell you that all of that ain't nothing compared to the taste of unmixed Johnnie Walker Red. It hurts. It was, however, hilarious to watch the effects of it on my friends who ordered the stuff in ignorance. They were beer drinkers; they got what they deserved.

It is my firm intention to have, once I get the operational freedom to do so, a liquor cabinet in whatever law office I'm able to design, and when I do, there'll be room kept for the Black Label.

Johnnie Walker also has the good sense to be a sponsor for Vodafone McLaren Mercedes in the 2007 FIA Formula 1 championship, so that's another plus in their direction. We thank the boys at Kilmarnock for their efforts and funding.

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All of this is subject to the standard provisos, e.g. Drink Responsibly, friends don't let friends drive drunk; livers don't come cheap, voluntary intoxication may or may not be a defense to specific intent crimes in your jurisdiction, etc. As for my part, I haven't had a drink this year. Can't afford it, and as the great General Robert E. Lee once said, "I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it."

Posted by: Country Pundit at 11:41 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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