As stated in yesterday's solitary (and just published today due to continued forgetfulness) post, I did see Return of the King. On with the story: OK, so I got finished with that three and a half hour movie, and I'm left cold.

This was the grand movie that had been built up for about a year? Yawn. I didn't look at my watch, but only through force of will; certainly not through focus upon the screen. ROTK carried great hopes; I'd already been disappointed if not outraged by the flop of The Matrix: Revolutions and was counting on Peter Jackson to expunge the disappointing The Two Towers and do what Andy and Larry Wachowski couldn't, i.e. conclude a trilogy with a bang, not a whimper.

Obviously, I was expecting too much. Anyways, I've got several points to make:

1. I liked the summoning of the army of the dead. That was cool, especially when Aragorn et al looked around to see an entire city of green fog emerging out of the darkness. Of course, I'm a sucker for things like that, and I wish we'd seen more of their slaughter of the orcs at Minas Tirith. Of course, I think I also would have tried to figure out a way to talk them into following me to the battle at the Black Gate, if I'd been Aragorn. However, they did earn their reward, so I wouldn't have been hopeful on retaining their services.

2. I wasn't impressed at all with the Witch King, or the nine proper at all throughout this series. These great evils, these most dangerous lieutenants of Sauron, all billed as these engines of destruction, and they're militarily worthless. All they managed to provide at Minas Tirith was some token air support and some psychological warfare operations. Peh, I bet Sauron's Department of Defense is going to get in deep trouble for spending billions on the Ringwraith program. (At the same time, the element of fear in primitive troops can be an extremely useful weapon, but I would have preferred to see them lay the smack down and earn their keep.)

The Witch King, billed by Gandalf in the movie as Mr. Ultimate Bad-ass, State of the Bad-ass Art, was about as effective in combat as a Frenchman: Lots of talk, not much action. Gandalf's words built up the chief wraith as some sort of killing machine that would stride through the fields of battle leaving ruin, death, and despair in his wake. Instead, it's laid to waste (after a ridiculous speech) by Eowyn and Meriadoc, in what has to be one of the most anti-climactic moments of an anti-climactic movie. Admittedly, this movie does much to cement Eowyn as my second-favorite LOTR babe. Not only does she not have Steven Tyler's genes floating around in her (nor would I have to deal with Agent Smith as an in-law) but she's handy-dandy with a sword and doesn't run away when faced by an empty-helmet monster.

My response to them is on the order of C. Montgomery Burns: "Oooh, the Ringwraiths! I'm so scared! Ooooh, the Ringwraiths!" Bloody worthless they are, for all the build-up they get. Sauron should have just tried to create a team of agents; that would've been more effective and Hugo Weaving wouldn't have had to change his hair work. "Hear that, Mr. Elessar? It is the sound of Sauron; it is the sound of your death..."

3. Was it just me, or was Gandalf not much help? He's billed as "Mithrandir", the uber-powerful back-from-the-dead magician of all power, and capable of much smacking down. Other than swing a sword and talk a little bit, what's he do? He shines a light in the eyes of the evil fell beast that's stalking the remants of the Gondor Expeditionary Force as it retreats from Osgiliath. Even that's ultimately worthless in that all the men in that retreat save Faramir probably wind up dead after Denethor's Bright Idea goes badly.

In conversations with boy of heterophobic I figured out from his advice that Gandalf is more Merlin than Palpatine. Where I expect a veritable Dark Lord of the Sith, with enhanced combat abilities and blue lightning-from-the-fingers, remote strangulation, and the ability to move things with the Force, I actually get wise counsel and the like. Boy further tells me that the role of Gandalf's race is to counsel the people of Middle Earth in the war against Sauron. Gee, so they're like Henry Kissinger? Nothing's special about being a servant of the secret fire other than intelligence? Less Maia, more Mensa, I suppose.

Anyways. Since Gandalf's effectively immortal, I found it almost laughable that he was encouraging the men of Gondor to stand their ground against a large enemy force that was coming through the door. "Stand and fight!" "Yes, I suppose that's a noble statement for someone who can't die. Bloody well sour for the rest of us, don't you think?"

All of that in the face of the fact that both Gandalf and Saruman were capable of physical magic in the first movie---did Gandalf forget something while he was away?

At any rate, I prefer Ian McKellen as Richard Gloucester or Erik Lensherr. It would have been amusing to have seen him quip, "You forces of Sauron and your swords..." right before wreaking havoc on the assembled army as they approached Minas Tirith.

4. Speaking of Faramir, did he do anything important after telling Gandalf that Frodo was still advancing? Other than that foolish charge of his (yeah, a real man would have said, "Dad, I'm not going to die just for your depression! The enemy has had time to dig in and they are superior in number. Any attack against them by our forces would be a useless gesture. There is no captain here that is stupid enough to charge them") I can't really recall him being anything other than a sack of flour for immolation. On the other hand, I was really fond of Sean Bean's Boromir. I suppose he was the character with whom I could most identify, because I would have said the same things he did about the usefulness of the Ring. "Wait, we've got this super-powerful Ring thing here and there's Ultimate Doom stirring in the East for one last big push, and we've got the weapon to stop him, and we're sitting here talking?" To steal from Arthur C. Clarke's Walter Curnow as visualized in Peter Hyams' 2010, "The ayes have it".

5. Gollum/Smeagol annoyed me. He's the Jar-Jar Binks of the LOTR movie trilogy, and just about as annoying. Yes, yes, I know he's more important to the story than a jive-talking Gungan, but I got to the point where I dreaded seeing Frodo or Sam because I knew that annoying CGI monstrosity wouldn't be far behind. I agreed with Sam real quick in wanting to kill Stinker, and I wish he'd fallen down to Minas Morgul. (Admittedly, the look of that place and Frodo's wandering towards the city as the Ring led him was cool.)

Similarly, I think we already know what goes on with Gollum enough to know that he's a ruined hobbit who was corrupted by the Ring. The whole flashback sequence did nothing for me, and made me first want to look at my watch. That's never a good sign.

6. The score was nothing to write home about, and I wasn't fond of Annie Lennox's contribution. Admittedly, I remember nothing about it, or the score to The Two Towers either. On the other hand, "The Bridge at Khazad-Dum" and the music for Lothlorien are spectacular, along with the lament for the (not-so) fallen Gandalf.

7. In surfing around the blog world prior to the viewing of this movie, a distinct sense of "greatest film ever" was palpable. National Review seemed to be almost triumphant about the greatness of this film, as were several other conservatives. Not that I'm particularly susceptible to movie hype any more---The Phantom Menace cured me of that---but the standard Thompson-issue suspicion and paranoia kicks in when people keep swooning over something and I don't.

Where are the rousing speeches (Aragorn's speech fell flat because apparently Viggo Mortensen doesn't believe in what he said) that were supposed to inspire us against Islamist terror? Where was the thing speaking to our times et cetera et cetera? Sure I liked Theoden's address before the Rohirrim charged the orcs at Pelennor Field (muahaha, six thousand mounted cavalry against midget troops not smart enough to form square or to have automatic weapons, whee!) but I couldn't really see anyone delivering these remarks in the present day. They'd be laughed out of the venue. (Whether that's a good thing or not is the subject of a longer and much more morose separate post.)

Most importantly, where was Cate Blanchett? The entire sequence that took place in Lorien was enchanting. Heck, whenever she was on screen, I sat up in my seat with rapt attention, leaning forward with eyes wide open, staring in disbelief. I had great hopes for that sequence when Frodo was running from Shelob and he sees a quick vision to inspire him forward, but alas that led nowhere. Likewise, I was hopeful for her appearance at the dock with the rest of the crew in The End (Part III or IV), but she just stands there and shoots a weird glance off to the vessel. What was that glance all about, anyways? "Psst, we've got a keg on board"? Enh, the lack of substantive Galadriel really kinda dragged down this film, as it did the second one. Too much Arwen, I think...

In closing: Better than Revolutions, inferior to Jedi. Will be better than the third Star Wars prequel. That still isn't saying much, though. The Wachowskis can at least claim that one of their number was busy with a dominatrix and Lucas can claim that his last directorial success was Star Wars, but Peter Jackson's responsible for The Fellowship of the Ring, a movie which held me in thrall to its audio-visual presentation of an utterly compelling story. He follows that with these two movies?

I might buy the DVD---still don't own the Two Towers, period---and hope that repeating viewings will increase my enjoyment of this film. I am not, however, optimistic of that, unless I fast forward through all the sequences with Gollum.

UPDATE: Boy of heterophobic provided much Tolkein knowledge for the post, although he distinctly did not agree with my conclusions.

Posted by: Country Pundit at 02:10 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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